55 LIFE LESSONS LEARNED LARGELY BY LIVING LIFE

This was originally going to be titled : “The Ten Most Important Life Lessons.” But really, how can you distill a life’s worth of screwing up and stumbling along down to ten things? What about practical things like “Never walk barefoot into a public restroom?” I learned that lesson in 1974 and it’s veracity is ironclad to this day. Some of these lessons were painful, others were just episodes of enlightenment. But they have all withstood the vagaries of time. So here we go, not necessarily in order of importance.

1-Always wear comfortable shoes.

2-Keep things that old people tell you in the back of your mind. These things may sound stupid when you’re young, but like fruit, they ripen into truths.

3-Decide what you believe, but reserve judgement on everything else.

4-Keep a loaded iPod and ear buds with you in case you are subjected to bad music.

5-Don’t jump off of or out of things for fun. Gravity is unforgiving and the ground is hard.

6-Find your favorite pastime and figure out a way to get paid for it.

7-Observe what insufferable people do and then don’t do that stuff.

8-Give blood if you can.

9-If you buy something and don’t use it or wear it for a year, give it away unless it’s a classic Jaguar.

10- It’s okay to make mistakes but learn and try to not repeat mistakes. Be understanding of other’s mistakes.

11-Travel out of the country in which you were born and live.

12-Save money.

13-Do not set your hair on fire as standard operating procedure.

14-Find someone you can trust, and out of whose booty the sun shines. Marry them.

15-Don’t fear your emotions, but don’t carry them around in a basket either.

16-Don’t throw rocks at a beehive, and then stand there and wonder why you’re getting stung.

17-Never waste time arguing. Save your breath.

18-Change your mind when facts present themselves differently.

19-Don’t steal stuff from people. Don’t be slick, scam or take advantage of people. Not even a little.

20-Realize that a clear conscience is its’ own reward.

21-Be kind and respectful to people, even if the person is a twit, jerk, boor, poltroon, jackanapes, martinet, bugwit, complete ass, or any of the “heads” (meat, bone, knuckle, etc.).

22-At times you will be seen as a twit, jerk, boor, poltroon, jackanapes, martinet, bugwit, complete ass or one of the “heads” (meat, bone, knuckle, etc.) by someone else. (See #51 below)

23-Life is irony, tragedy, and drama. Everything is one of these.

24-See live music whenever you can.

25-Stuff that looks bad initially does’t always turn out to be bad.

26-Drive your car like you’ve got some damned common sense.

27-Look up. Look down. Look far away. Look at stuff really closely. Look at stuff twice.

28-Your health will not always be as good as it is right now. So, dig the way you feel.

29-Be aware that things could always be worse.

30-Hold doors open for people. Hold elevators for people. Let people pull out of driveways. Get stuff off of the top shelf in the supermarket for little old ladies. Pick stuff up when people accidentally drop it.

31-Doing nothing is always an option except when it’s not an option.

32-Never pee on someone’s leg while on bathroom break in 3rd grade. This will just make me, I mean, them livid, and you’ll be unable to mount a defense while you are frantically trying to stuff your junk back into your pants while getting pummeled.

33-If someone pees on your leg, this is one of the few situations where you are perfectly justified in pummeling the holy living crap out of them. People will respect you for it.

34-Don’t try to make a pet out of any animal that disputes your assumption of being paramount  in the food chain.

35-Learn to touch type.

36-Never get a tattoo on your face unless it’s tattoos of eyeballs on your eyelids. Then you can sleep in meetings and people will think you are awake but just not blinking.

37-As you get older, don’t dress like a teenager. There are no teenage fashion looks a middle aged person can pull off and maintain any semblance of cool.

38-Practice good personal hygiene. Brush and floss.

39-Look both ways when crossing the street. Getting hit by a car is like losing your virginity: it happens really fast, you have no idea what just happened, and you never forget it.

40-Never take your ordinary circumstances for granted. (see #29)

41-Get out and walk around in nature. Do it at night and enjoy being a little scared.

42-Sit by yourself and daydream every once in a while.

43-Find an activity where you can get into a ‘flow state.’

44-Remember what it was like to be a little kid and be understanding when little kids act like little kids.

45-Be of service to someone.

46-Remember all the crappy jobs that you’ve ever had, and treat people that have crappy jobs with kindness, tolerance, and respect.

47-If someone honks their horn at you while you’re driving, shine it on.

48-All police officers are named “Sir” unless he’s a woman.

49-I did not create the cosmos therefore I am not God. 

50-Be grateful to pay taxes. That means you made money.

51-Other people’s opinion of me is not my business.

52-No meeting should last longer than a half hour.

53-Be punctual.

54-Admit when you are wrong. Apologize when necessary.

55-Try not to stare at a woman’s boobs.

I’m sure that you all have your own list of Life Lessons. And our lists are constantly evolving and changing. I used to believe that you should “Eat two of everything.” But I’ve crossed that one off of my list and lost about six pounds. Coincidence? We think not. Life never stops teaching so I reserve the right to add or delete Life Lessons as needed.

The screwing up and stumbling along continues.